This 4 blog series will discuss the horrific parts of the job search process called the Resume (Part 1), Networking (Part 2), Interviewing (Part 3), and a surprise topic (Part 4).

The Resume

5 ridiculous aspects of the resume that we all suffer through in orange below…


You must summarize your entire professional career on two pages

  • I think I can fit more information on my tombstone
  • Can I go down to 2-point Times Roman font and give the reader a magnifying glass?
  • How to summarize my 1 year of unemployment in a bullet
    • How about “It Sucked, and I was Depressed

You must make it aesthetically pleasing since nobody can read words anymore

  • Who even uses the words “aesthetically pleasing” other than to describe a resume?
    • Honey, you are so aesthetically pleasingdoesn’t resonate with your spouse over a candlelit dinner
  • Did someone 100 years ago invent these words just for your resume?
    • Some famous linguist should rot in you know where
  • I put 100 hours into crafting this “thing”; who cares what it looks like?
    • I’m perfect for the job; forget the “thing” and just give me an interview

You need to use action verbs to start sentences, since no sentence throughout the history of books has ever started with a noun or adjective

  • BuiltRoman Empire in a day when I wasn’t even feeling well!
  • CreatedCoke, Pepsi, Apple and Facebook in my backyard using just water!
  • Won5 US Presidential elections before age 35, and I wasn’t even on the ballot!

Image attention span

You need to capture the recruiters’ attention in 8 seconds or less

  • The only items I know that capture your attention that quickly are certain pictures of body parts… enough said
  • 8 seconds isn’t enough to take two sips of gin which I need to deal with this resume stuff
  • Wait, the recruiter just looked at the clock while reading my resume
    • Can I get a 2 second credit?

For those of us who remember using paper resumes

  • White, beige, cream, teal color for the paper stock?
    • They all looked the same to me
  • Paper stock should be 8, 10, or 12 pounds weight
    • Since I really wanted to impress, I used 500 pounds, so the recruiter can’t even pick it up

Resume is a requirement, like getting that special medical test when you hit 50 years old. So are paying taxes and dying, actions which might be more fun!!!

 

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