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This 4 blog series will discuss the horrific parts of the job search process called the Resume (Part 1), Networking (Part 2), Interviewing (Part 3), and a surprise topic (Part 4).

The Resume

5 ridiculous aspects of the resume that we all suffer through in orange below…

Image resume

You must summarize your entire professional career on two pages

  • I think I can fit more information on my tombstone
  • Can I go down to 2-point Times Roman font and give the reader a magnifying glass?
  • How to summarize my 1 year of unemployment in a bullet
    • How about “It Sucked, and I was Depressed

Image pretty tree

You must make it aesthetically pleasing since nobody can read words anymore

  • Who even uses the words “aesthetically pleasing” other than to describe a resume?
    • Honey, you are so aesthetically pleasingdoesn’t resonate with your spouse over a candlelit dinner
  • Did someone 100 years ago invent these words just for your resume?
    • Some famous linguist should rot in you know where
  • I put 100 hours into crafting this “thing”; who cares what it looks like?
    • I’m perfect for the job; forget the “thing” and just give me an interview

Image Road Runner cartoon

You need to use action verbs to start sentences, since no sentence throughout the history of books has ever started with a noun or adjective

  • BuiltRoman Empire in a day when I wasn’t even feeling well!
  • CreatedCoke, Pepsi, Apple and Facebook in my backyard using just water!
  • Won5 US Presidential elections before age 35, and I wasn’t even on the ballot!

Image attention span

You need to capture the recruiters’ attention in 8 seconds or less

  • The only items I know that capture your attention that quickly are certain pictures of body parts… enough said
  • 8 seconds isn’t enough to take two sips of gin which I need to deal with this resume stuff
  • Wait, the recruiter just looked at the clock while reading my resume
    • Can I get a 2 second credit?

Image Ford Model T

For those of us who remember using paper resumes

  • White, beige, cream, teal color for the paper stock?
    • They all looked the same to me
  • Paper stock should be 8, 10, or 12 pounds weight
    • Since I really wanted to impress, I used 500 pounds, so the recruiter can’t even pick it up

Resume is a requirement, like getting that special medical test when you hit 50 years old. So are paying taxes and dying, actions which might be more fun!!!

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