This 4 blog series will discuss the horrific parts of the job search process called the Resume (Part 1), Networking (Part 2), Interviewing (Part 3), and a surprise topic (Part 4).
The Resume
5 ridiculous aspects of the resume that we all suffer through in orange below…
You must summarize your entire professional career on two pages
- I think I can fit more information on my tombstone
- Can I go down to 2-point Times Roman font and give the reader a magnifying glass?
- How to summarize my 1 year of unemployment in a bullet
- How about “It Sucked, and I was Depressed”
You must make it aesthetically pleasing since nobody can read words anymore
- Who even uses the words “aesthetically pleasing” other than to describe a resume?
- “Honey, you are so aesthetically pleasing” doesn’t resonate with your spouse over a candlelit dinner
- Did someone 100 years ago invent these words just for your resume?
- Some famous linguist should rot in you know where
- I put 100 hours into crafting this “thing”; who cares what it looks like?
- I’m perfect for the job; forget the “thing” and just give me an interview
You need to use action verbs to start sentences, since no sentence throughout the history of books has ever started with a noun or adjective
- “Built” Roman Empire in a day when I wasn’t even feeling well!
- “Created” Coke, Pepsi, Apple and Facebook in my backyard using just water!
- “Won” 5 US Presidential elections before age 35, and I wasn’t even on the ballot!
Image attention span
You need to capture the recruiters’ attention in 8 seconds or less
- The only items I know that capture your attention that quickly are certain pictures of body parts… enough said
- 8 seconds isn’t enough to take two sips of gin which I need to deal with this resume stuff
- Wait, the recruiter just looked at the clock while reading my resume
- Can I get a 2 second credit?
For those of us who remember using paper resumes
- White, beige, cream, teal color for the paper stock?
- They all looked the same to me
- Paper stock should be 8, 10, or 12 pounds weight
- Since I really wanted to impress, I used 500 pounds, so the recruiter can’t even pick it up
Resume is a requirement, like getting that special medical test when you hit 50 years old. So are paying taxes and dying, actions which might be more fun!!!
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