Hope my kids don’t see this…

Tell me about yourself…

  • Look at my LinkedIn profile, idiot

Take me through your resume…

  • It’s in front of you, idiot

Your greatest strength…

  • 2 divorces, both wives still alive!

Your greatest failure…

  • Yea, like I’m going to tell you that

What do you offer us???

  • Insecurity, 10 extra pounds, 2 Xanax per day

Tell me about a time you had a conflict with your boss…

  • I was right, so I killed her

If I asked your friends about you, what would they say…

  • Unemployed

Tell me about your greatest achievement…

  • 12th grade but I promised her I wouldn’t say anything 

Tell me about your greatest discovery…

  • Uh, 12 years old when my parent’s finally left on Saturday night?

What have you done over and over again but can’t seem to get right…

  • Sex, I mean job search

You’re hired!

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